A News Report from the Future

The world is still in a state of chaos since last week when gay couples were finally allowed the right to marry. Since then the stock market has crashed, banks nationwide have all failed and the US dollar is at an all time low.

People the world over are now consistently and frequently having sex with animals in the street. Pedophilia and bigamy are at an all-time high. As we now know, these activities had been desirable to most people prior to last week, and the only thing stopping them was the prohibition on gay marriage.

This comes on the heels of major natural disasters occurring around the globe. Tornadoes, tsunamis, volcanic eruptions, lightning storms, all caused simply by allowing two men or two women to legally marry one another, have ravaged Asia, Europe and large areas of Middle America.

The war in Europe that broke out upon the news of last week’s decision is still claiming many lives. It is the largest war ever to occur, eclipsing at once both World Wars, Vietnam, and the conflict in the Middle East. The French have reportedly surrendered, though to whom is still uncertain.

Extraterrestrials have landed in Washington D.C., Berlin, Beijing, and Canberra, Australia. They wield new energy-based weapons which completely and totally outclass anything we have yet developed, and are demanding control of the planet and the submission of all humans. Their motivation, they claim, was the decision on gay marriage made last week.

It remains to be seen whether the aliens will be able to successfully wrest control of the Earth from Satan, Prince of Darkness, who arose last week in response to the decision and engulfed the world in eternal darkness. Already reports are coming in of boiling lakes of fire and brimstone appearing in every nation of the world with the exception of Switzerland. Whether or not they are related to the appearance of the Dark Lord is still unconfirmed.

The future of humanity is still uncertain. FOX News will continue to keep its readers informed throughout the crisis. Until then, please visit our online store and purchase our reasonably-priced Gaypocalypse 2023 gear to show your support for continuing to deny homosexuals the same rights as straight people. We appreciate your business.